


Diamond

by SlytherinSpaceCat



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 乐华七子NEXT | NEX7, 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Self-Hatred, Zhengting is not feeling well, everything is bad, except for wenjun, late happy birthday to zhengting, wenjun is the softest boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-30 02:36:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18306476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlytherinSpaceCat/pseuds/SlytherinSpaceCat
Summary: People have always told Zhengting that he is strong. Strong for training until he could taste blood in his mouth. Strong for going abroad to chase his dream. Strong to continuing fighting even though he failed the first time. Strong for signing up to another survival show. Strong for winning.The only problem was, he didn't feel strong.





	Diamond

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this as a birthday present for a friend who just happens to share the same birthday as zhengting. I know i'm about two weeks late hah, but anyway, happy birthday dear, i hope you like it
> 
> And happy birthday to our dear zhengting as well, i hope this fic is very far from the truth

 

 

People have always told Zhengting that he is strong. Strong for training until he could taste blood in his mouth. Strong for going abroad to chase his dream. Strong to continuing fighting even though he failed the first time. Strong for signing up to another survival show. Strong for winning. For actually winning this time.

And even after he won and got to debut, people continued telling him he was strong. Strong for promoting with two groups. Strong for being a leader. Strong for not giving in to the pressure, or the tiredness, or the hate. Strong, strong, strong.

The only problem was, he didn't feel strong. He felt weak and hollow. Like he was made of glass, fragile and see-through. It felt like he was about to break and shatter into a million tiny pieces, impossible to puzzle back together.

Most of what he did nowadays didn't feel real. It didn't feel like he existed in those places. He had always thought that he belonged on a stage, amidst thousands of people, showing off his skills that he had spent countless hours and blood, sweat and tears perfecting. It was there he was supposed to be. But always afterward, he could never be sure that if it had actually happened or not. He didn't exist in that place.

The only place that felt real was the practice room. But only when he was alone. When he was with his members, no matter if it was with Nex7 or Nine Percent, it felt like he didn't exist in the same reality as them. It was as if there was a wall of glass between them and him.

But when he was alone, he could finally exist. The ache in his muscles felt real. The sweat running down his back felt real. The haggard breaths echoing in the silence after the song had ended felt real.

He often thought about it, how some people only really existed in some places. Cai Xukun was the opposite of him. Xukun only existed when he was on stage. That was the only time you felt like you could touch him, and he would be there and not disappear under your fingers. But in the dorm, it never felt like he truly existed.

Chengcheng was another story. He only existed behind the closed doors of their dorm, when he was surrounded by the others. Only then could he let go of his insecurities that stopped him from existing anywhere else.

Wang Ziyi had felt the most real during their time filming the show. Then he had been a pillar of strength for many of them. Especially for Xukun. But since the show had ended, it felt like Ziyi had lost his purpose and he was existing less for every day.

And then there was Wenjun. Zhengting was sometimes worried that Wenjun only existed in his mind, that he wasn't real at all, and that he had made him up in the wish of having someone to rely on. Because how could someone like Wenjun exist when Zhengting so often only used him for his own selfish needs. How did Wenjun put up with that?

Zhengting had stopped dancing a while ago. Now he was just laying on his back, staring up at the ceiling in their Nine Percent practice room. There was dust in the corners. Mostly because they were almost never there.

Eventually, he forced his tired body up. The ache in his muscles felt good. It was something he could point at to prove that he had actually been there. That he had existed.

It was in the middle of the night when he returned to the Nine Percent dorm, but the lights in the living-room were still on. He found Ziyi on the sofa, with some old drama playing at the TV, but he didn't seem to be focusing on it, the look in his eyes far away. He looked up though when Zhengting entered.

"Oh, I didn't expect anyone to still be up," Zhengting commented, trying to sound light-hearted.

"I couldn't sleep. I'm waiting for Xukun to come home," came Ziyi's answer and Zhengting gave him a surprised look.

"Xukun's coming home?"

Ziyi looked down on his phone that he had clutched in his hand, brows furrowed. "I don't know."

"Oh." So, it had come to that, Zhengting thought, sending him sympatric look that Ziyi didn't see, eyes back on the TV. Out of all of them, Xukun was the one that was there the least. They all missed their leader, but it seemed to be taking another toll of Ziyi.

"Good night, Zhengting," Ziyi said, dismissing Zhengting, leaving him no choice but to go back to the room he shared with Minghao and Chengcheng.

"Good night."

When he passed Zhangjing and Yanjun's room, he realised that it wasn't only him and Ziyi who were still up. Hushed voices came from inside the room, mixed with muffled laughs. It hadn't taken him long to realise that Yanjun only existed for Zhangjing. And the other way around, even is Zhangjing was better at existing without the other.

He had been sad, no, he had honestly been devastated when Zhangjing snatched the ninth spot in Nine Percent right in front of Wenjun. Not that he disliked Zhangjing in any way, but he more than often wished that he had Wenjun there with him. But he had come to realise that Zhangjing was better for the group, mostly because if he hadn't been there, they would've lost Yanjun eventually.

Zhengting continued down the hall to his room. Both Minghao and Chengcheng were supposed to be sleeping in the Nex7 dorm tonight, so he was a bit surprised to find his bed already occupied.

Minghao was curled up there, hugging Zhengting's pillow and snoring lightly. It immediately made him worry. It's been a long time since Minghao had come to his bed for comfort. It had happened all the time when they had been abroad together, when Minghao had felt anxious and alone in a foreign country where he barely spoke the language. Zhengting had been his only comfort. But since then it happened rarely that Minghao came to him like this, making Zhengting worry that something had happened.

He quickly, and as quiet as he could, changed into his pyjamas, before he nudged Minghao lightly, making the younger make room for him on the bed.

"You're back," Minghao mumbled and peered an eye open as Zhengting placed himself around the younger. "It's in the middle of the night." There was a bit of accuse in his voice.

"I got caught up training," Zhengting excused himself. "Why are you here?"

Minghao snuggled closer to him, wrapping his long arms around Zhengting's thin body. He had grown so much since they were abroad, he was now both taller and broader than Zhengting. "I was worried about you."

"About me?" Zhengting echoed. That was not the answer he had expected. He had expected Minghao to have read some hurtful comment on Weibo, or maybe he and Chengcheng had had a fight.

"Yes, ge," Minghao said, and Zhengting didn't need to see his face to know that the younger was rolling his eyes at him. "We all are."

"Why? I'm doing fine," Zhengting tried to reassure him, ignoring the sound of his anxiety crashing down on him in waves. He couldn't let the others know how fragile he was, then he would most definitely shatter. They needed him strong, and even if he didn't feel it, he could act it. After years in this industry, at least he had become a good actor, hiding his true feelings behind a perfect surface.

"I know you're lying. Stop trying to hide from me," Minghao almost sounded a bit sad. "Do you really think that after all we been through together, I wouldn't be able to tell how you're feeling?"

Zhengting felt a bit guilty and stupid. Of course, Minghao would be able to see through him. The boy was a lot smarter than people gave him credit for.

"Sorry."

"You better be," Minghao said firmly. "I came all the way here just because I was worried about you."

"You didn't have to," Zhengting tried to say, but Minghao interrupted him by poking him hard in the side.

"Shut up," Minghao told him, and Zhengting found himself snapping his mouth shut, even if Minghao was almost six years younger than him. "I didn't tell the others that I was going here to see you."

Once again Zhengting was surprised. "Why not?"

"I suspected that you wouldn't want them to know," Minghao said, sounding a lot older than his age. "But if you don't come back to us soon, I will have no choice to tell them."

Then he added, as an afterthought: "Wenjun is really worried too."

Minghao probably, hopefully, didn't mean anything by the comment, but it made Zhengting's heart skip a beat. Stupid, stupid, stupid. "I'm fine," he said automatically.

"Ge, please. It's bad enough that both Xukun and Ziyi have slipped, but Nine Percent is only a temporary group. Nex7 needs you for years to come. I need you. You are my ge," Minghao's voice got softer, and Zhengting barely heard his last words.

"I'm sorry, Minghao," he mumbled, pressing his face against the younger's hair. "I didn't mean to worry you."

"Please talk to us in the future," Minghao said, snuggling even closer to Zhengting. "And please talk to Wenjun. He really cares for you."

"I will," Zhengting said, knowing that he wouldn't. He just had to be better at acting. That was easier. They shouldn't have to carry his insecurities and his doubt. Not Minghao, his baby brother who was closer to him than his family, nor Wenjun, who carried Zhengting's whole heart without him knowing it. And not any of the others either – they all had their own insecurities.

Minghao hummed satisfied and rested his head on Zhengting's shoulder. "Good. You know that you can rely on us too. You don't have to carry everything yourself."

"I know. Thank you."

Minghao hummed again, and soon his breath came out in even puffs against Zhengting's neck, telling that the younger had fallen asleep.

Zhengting was a bit touched that Minghao had come to him with his worries. The younger had grown up so much since they first met. But he knew that he couldn't let them know, they would never look at him the same.

He hugged Minghao closer, seeking some sort of comfort from his warm body as he tried to fall asleep. He could still faintly hear the TV from the living room and the muffled giggles from Zhangjing and Yanjun's room. It was comforting in a way, knowing he was not alone, but he still felt cut off from them, even if Minghao was literally pressed against him. He could feel Minghao's heartbeats against his own, but it still didn't feel real.

It almost made him cry. He just wanted things to feel real. He was very close to sneaking back to the practice room, just to feel like he existed. The only thing stopping him was Minghao's firm hold of him. It was almost like he knew that Zhengting was thinking about leaving.

Eventually, he must have fallen asleep per pure exhaustion. When he woke up, he was alone in the bed, with a note on the bedside table that told him to take care of himself and that Minghao had gone to meet up with Chengcheng.

 

 

It was a few days later and Zhengting was yet again alone in the practice room in the middle of the night. Ever breath burned in his lungs, he was so exhausted, but at least he felt something. This time he was at Yuehua, because they had a fan-meeting with Nex7 in a couple of days. He had already sent the rest of the group home and to bed. Minghao had tried to coax him to come with them, but he had managed to convince them to let him stay. He had ignored the worried looks Wenjun had sent him from the door just as they left. He knew that the moment he met Wenjun's eyes he would give in and go home with them. And he couldn't to that. Not yet.

Suddenly the door opened and Zhengting looked up, surprised that someone else was still there. He should be alone, it was the middle of the night after all. He was surprised when he saw Wenjun standing in the doorway, determined look on his handsome face and with what looked like a pile of clothes in his arms.

"Wenjun?"

"We're going out," Wenjun said, stepping into the room and dumping the pile of clothes next to where Zhengting was seated on the floor.

"Out?" he echoed. "But it's the middle of the night. You should be sleeping."

Wenjun gave him a flat stare and tossed him a sweater. "You need to eat something. So, we're going on a date."

Zhengting spluttered as his heart skipped several beats. The sweater Wenjun tossed him landed in his lap, but he made no effort to pick it up and pull it on. "What?"

"I need to get your mind on something else, so I'm taking you on a date," Wenjun said, crouching down in front of him, taking up the shirt and motioning him to raise his arms so he could pull it on.

"I can get dressed on my own," Zhengting protested weakly, but he raised his arms anyway and Wenjun pulled the shirt over his head. The smile he got in return effectively ended the rest of his protests.

"I know," Wenjun smiled and helped him up on his feet. He took up the big padded jacked and put it over Zhengting's shoulders, before putting a beanie over his head and a facemask over his face. Wenjun looked satisfied when he took a step back to admire his work.

"What is all this for?" Zhengting asked, adjusting the facemask over his mouth.

"I don't want us to be recognised. It's the middle of the night and it shouldn't be too many people out, but you can never be too careful," Wenjun answered and lifted his own facemask. "You though me that."

Zhengting was suddenly glad for the facemask because he was pretty sure he was blushing. He didn't deserve Wenjun.

"You don't have to do this," Zhengting said quietly. "I should probably stay here and practice some more." He started to remove the jacket again, not looking at Wenjun.

The taller was having none of that though. He firmly pulled Zhengting's jacket up again. "I want to do this. You barely talk to me anymore. Please go out with me?"

And Zhengting was weak. He was so incredibly weak. So, he simply nodded and let Wenjun takes his hand and lead him out. The winter night was cold, and Zhengting was happy Wenjun had brought him both a sweater and a padded jacket.

Wenjun seemed to have a plan for where they were going, and Zhengting followed. Not that he had much choice, since Wenjun firmly held his hand, like he was afraid Zhengting would disappear if he let go. He wouldn't though. He would probably just blindly follow Wenjun where ever he went. Wenjun was like a lighthouse who showed him the way home during a storm.

The goal for the night seemed to be the 24/7 convenience store around the corner from the Yuehua building. Zhengting was about to protest again but Wenjun didn't give him a chance to say anything before he sat him down by the small table next to the window, telling him that he would go and buy them ramen.

Zhengting's eyes followed Wenjun. Even though he was completely covered in thick winter clothes, he was still as handsome as ever. The first time they met, Zhengting had been jealous. He'd been trying to shake off the cute-stamp he'd gotten during his first survival show, and here Bi Wenjun came, looking effortlessly handsome like he was about to walk out on a runway any second. Of course Zhengting was jealous. Wenjun was also taller, almost towering over Zhengting.

But he had soon realised that Wenjun was the sweetest person alive and it hadn't taken him long to fall head over heels. Not that it was allowed, but he couldn't help but fall in love with him.

"Here," Wenjun came back, placing a cup of ramen in front of Zhengting, pulling him out of his thoughts.

"Thank you," Zhengting mumbled, wrapping his cold fingers around the cup.

"Eat," Wenjun said, not unfriendly, but in a voice that made Zhengting quickly take the chopsticks the taller handed him. Wenjun nudged him to make him start eating. Zhengting just hoped he wasn't blushing too much when he lowered his facemask.

Wenjun gave him a happy smile as Zhengting took the first bit, and he had to dip his head down over his cup of ramen to hide his now burning cheeks. It seemed like the effect that Wenjun had on him was getting worse.

They ate in silence. Zhengting tried to focus on eating and not on the way Wenjun's arm nudged him with every bite he took.

"You know you can come to us if you ever need us?" Wenjun said suddenly and put down his chopsticks. "You can come to me. Whenever. For anything. You know that, right?"

Zhengting hummed and nodded, unable to meet Wenjun's eyes. He knew they would be filled with worry, and he hated making the taller worry.

"I'm worried about you…" Wenjun said softly, carefully placing his hand over Zhengting's. His stupid heart skipped a beat, and he pulled his hand away. He couldn't give in to Wenjun. He didn't deserve that.

"You don't have to be," he mumbled, placing his hands in his lap. "I'm fine. I'm sorry I've been a bad leader, I'm going to work harder so you can be proud of me. You're supposed to lean on me, not the other way around."

He realised that he hadn't said that many words to anyone in a really long time. He always held everything in.

He was surprised when Wenjun placed his hands on his shoulders, forcing him around so he had no choice but to look at the taller. "No," Wenjun said firmly, worry evident in his eyes. "That's not what I meant at all."

Zhengting averted his eyes and said nothing. He already knew that he'd been a bad leader, Wenjun didn't need to tell him that.

"Zhengting… you are an amazing leader and we're so lucky to have you," Wenjun said softly, letting his hands fall from his shoulders so they could take his hands. This time he didn't pull away. "But we don't want you do work yourself to exhaustion. We want you to talk to us about your worries. We want you to hang out and play with us." He took a deep breath before he squeezed Zhengting's fingers. "I want you to let me love you."

"You shouldn't love me. You deserve someone stronger." He hated himself for saying those words, but he couldn't let Wenjun see him as he was. It was easier to love Wenjun on a distance. There was no way Wenjun would love him like he was now.

"You are strong…"

"No, I'm not," he interrupted. "I weak. Can't you see that?" Wenjun opened his mouth to protest, but Zhengting didn't let him. "It feels like I'm made of glass. I feel so fragile. You don't deserve a leader like that… or a partner," he added with a whisper, because the thought of Wenjun as his partner was so unlikely that he barely managed to say it out loud at all.

The look Wenjun gave him were softer than he deserved. He moved closer, squeezing Zhengting's hands. His voice was gentle but firm when he spoke. "In my eyes, you are amazing. You inspire me every day to continue fighting for my dream. I think you're the strongest person I've ever met. But that doesn't mean you have to be strong every second and every day. You are allowed to let go sometimes and let others help you. We want to help you and be there for you when you need us, just like you're always there for us."

Zhengting felt like crying. Wenjun was too good for him. He realised that he might already be crying when Wenjun lifted a hand to softly wipe a tear from his cheek.

"You're not made of glass, you are made of diamond. You shine so brightly," Wenjun whispered, cupping Zhengting's cheek. Zhengting tried to muffle a sob, but it seemed like Wenjun's words had made his wall fall, baring all his insecurities. He couldn't keep it in anymore and Wenjun wrapped his arms around Zhengting, pulling him closer, as he sobbed helplessly.

"It's okay. I got you," Wenjun whispered against his hair, making Zhengting sob even more. Because even now, he felt like he didn't deserve Wenjun. He was too good for him.

But he also came to the realisation that he felt real. This felt real. Wenjun's arms around his seemed to anchor him down to reality. The thought was both relieving and frightening.

Eventually, he managed to calm down and he untangled himself from Wenjun's embrace, even if he didn't want anything more than to stay there forever. He felt incredibly tired, tired down to the bone.

"Sorry," he mumbled, wiping his puffy cheeks with the back of his hand. He felt disgusting.

"Don't apologize. I'm glad that you trusted me enough to show me that," Wenjun smiled, taking Zhengting's hands again. "Because you do trust me, right?"

"With my life," Zhengting found himself answer truthfully. Wenjun's smile got even wider.

"I'm glad. Then you know that I've meant every word I've said here tonight."

Zhengting took a deep breath, waiting for his mind to try to convince him that what Wenjun had said couldn't possibly be true. But nothing came. "I know," he said instead, surprising himself a bit.

"Good. Then let's go home and sleep." Wenjun pulled him up on his feet, and again he found himself being led by Wenjun's warm hand. But now they were going home. To their home. That they shared together with their five brothers. Zhengting felt warm in a way he hadn't felt in a long time.

Wenjun's hand in his felt real. And when Wenjun pulled Zhengting down in his bed with him, wrapping his long arms around him and pulling him closer, it also felt real. For the first time in possibly forever, Zhengting let himself go and allowed himself to exist where he was and as he was.

"You are my diamond," Wenjun mumbled against Zhengting's hair, just as they were about to fall asleep. And for once, a small part of Zhengting thought that with time, he might actually believe it.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is quite different from my other fics, but i'm pretty pleased with it anyway. Hope you guys liked it as well! Please leave a comment with your thoughts, it will make me incredibly happy
> 
> And soon i'll hopefully be back with a new update on oycsm. Stay tuned


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